Last march, I had wrote an blog called “Lifebuoy: a life preserver, life saver” acknowledging the pain and trauma I had went through, and praising the freedom I had achieved. Rereading the post took me back to those traumatizing places that I had so blatantly forgot about. Nearing the end the post, I had made a very bold statement saying “I never lost the sense of clarity telling me ‘you do not deserve this'”. That was a promise and a statement I should have never made because I did forget, I lost the clarity.

Like any human, I went back. Just as God whispers in your ear, the devil whispers also (or more so SHOUTS. VERY. LOUDLY.). Doubts creeped its way into my mind. The bible talks about how intensely the devil despises marriage. But the only way Satan will ever except a marriage to follow through is if God is not included, if it is not healthy in the first place. If the marriage brings death and destruction, a place where God doesn’t live, then it is one the devil praises. So like I had said, I went back. Back to falsely believing things would change, things were different, that I was different. I thought I had changed enough to not let myself go through what I had PROMISED myself I would never put myself through again. But like I’ve done time and time again, I went back to the old habits and dismissed all of the red flags. One thing was different this time though. I was finally standing up for myself. I give myself credit in discovering that I am worth more than how I was being treated, which is why I stood up for myself. It got to the point, again, where I was done and finally made the choice to leave for good, and it is a choice I am proud I confidently made.

The reason why I wanted to write this wasn’t to update you on my life or to complain about my life. I realized the front I put up on the post. Reading it makes me sound like I am so strong and I will never ever be deceived by the devil. But that just isn’t true because I failed. I failed what I so boldly told you and told myself. I am human and this incident is just one of many screw ups that occur in my life. My blog is called beautifully imperfect for a reason. We are imperfect people trying to live a perfect life, which we know is never possible. So we have to embrace our imperfections and rejoice in the fact that we are NOT perfect! We all make mistakes, we all fall short, but we still get back up and give our best effort to live a life honoring God. We are beautifully imperfect creatures. We can see that with Noah who God had favored. Noah was a righteous man and the only blameless person on earth (before the flood) that walked in close fellowship with God. He was a patient man and listened to God with intent, even showed praise to Him by building an alter and sacrificing approved offerings. But Noah was still human, still a descendent of Adam and Eve (just like us). He messed up and got drunk one night, laying naked (Gen. 9:21). He was human, he was not perfect. Please do not expect yourself to be perfect because as painful as it may be to hear, you are not perfect. No one is. Only our creator and our redeemer. Give yourself grace to remind yourself that you are beautifully imperfect striving to live a life honoring our perfect God!

With respect,

Emily